— Jonathan Safran Foer
— John Lennon
But does to you as you to him."
— Robert Graves
“Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.”
I don’t really know what to say here, I just wish I could talk to you. Maybe I’ll find a spot to read this out loud to you later, one of our spots where I still feel you. Life is a little more dim without you, I feel like I have a little less hope. I just thought this summer would be different, that there would be a chance for us someday. I guess our someday is a lot further away than I thought.
I miss your funny walk, your bad story telling, how you called me an otter, or just a sleepy thing and made weird noises at me in the morning while I burrowed under the pillow. I always dismissed you when you told me I was “the most adorable person in the whole world”, but I loved that you really meant it. I miss how you weren’t afraid to adore me in front of your friends, to cook for us, to pull me onto your lap and run your fingers through my hair. I miss the pride in your voice when you would introduce me as your girlfriend. I miss your goodness. I miss being yours.
I miss counting down the days, hours, and minutes until you would show up to visit me, and pretending to scold you when you were late. I miss those shoes that I hated and your 40 year-old man sunglasses. I miss the printer box you used as a trash can before I finally gave you a new one. I miss your breath on my neck. I miss how you would reach out toward me in the dark and pull me toward you before we went to sleep. Or sometimes how you would say random sleepy phrases once I got in bed after taking forever to brush my teeth. And how sometimes we would brush our teeth together and you would hate when I watched you while you did it and turned and hopped away from me. Your toothbrush is still by my sink. I knew you were always trying to make me laugh, that you loved doing it, and I loved it too.
I miss how you would hold one of your arms awkwardly when you were nervous. I miss watching you study, how you would look back and make faces at me in between equations. I miss your voicemails where you told me the exact time you were leaving the message, and how you pretended to be angry that I was in class or at work instead of keeping you phone company. I miss scolding you back for being on the phone while skateboarding, since you crashed the one I bought you a few days later. I miss taking videos of you to “keep the sads away”. I even miss fighting with you, and fighting for you. I miss our long road trips where we talked about everything stupid or serious, shared music, and hand wrestled with each other. I miss leaning on your arm while you drove us around at night and feeling like I was in the safest place in the whole world.
It’s been so hard for me lately. I feel strong and almost whole at times, but then I lose my footing. You were one of my lights when I couldn’t find my way out of the darkness. I know I will adjust, that I will start to see new lights in time, but right now all I want is for you to reach out for me, to hold onto me in the darkness and tell me everything will be okay.
I miss the life I had when you were still in it. I miss you so much, now and always <3
— Arundhati Roy
— Lao Tzu
— Anais Nin
— Hugh Laurie